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Russian
00:00:08
everybody i was thinking about the first00:00:10
time like congress had to come up with00:00:11
age of consent00:00:14
that'd be like the powdered wigs and00:00:16
stuff that had to be a rough day for the00:00:17
fellas00:00:19
it's like some guy coming up first like00:00:21
from rhode island 12 and i was like ew00:00:25
ew00:00:27
no dude00:00:29
i don't know why i have to go first on00:00:31
this one00:00:32
it's like the hardest one to go first on00:00:34
[Laughter]00:00:39
she's talking [ __ ]00:00:42
[Music]00:00:43
[Applause]00:00:46
[Music]00:00:53
[Applause]00:01:02
this is exciting00:01:04
i was a little too excited i panicked00:01:06
and got this haircut00:01:09
what an insane [ __ ] up00:01:13
my hair was fine it was totally fine00:01:17
and then two days ago i was like i gotta00:01:18
i gotta salvage this00:01:21
it's crazy that i thought the hair like00:01:23
my hair00:01:24
was i was like if i fix my hair i'll00:01:27
look good00:01:29
like that was the final piece of the00:01:30
puzzle00:01:32
for me00:01:34
there's a dominican barber shop by my00:01:36
house in new york00:01:38
i think i'm the first white guy that's00:01:40
ever been in there00:01:42
i was basically christopher columbus of00:01:44
this barber shop00:01:46
and they [ __ ] me up dude00:01:49
don't get if you're white don't get a00:01:50
dominican haircut00:01:53
you end up just looking more racist00:01:57
it was nice though he kept trying to00:01:58
reassure me the whole time he was like00:01:59
no man's your head's good00:02:02
kept saying your head is good i was like00:02:04
oh thank you00:02:06
whatever [ __ ] this haircut how are you00:02:07
guys00:02:11
[Applause]00:02:12
[ __ ] it's good00:02:14
it's good i'm happy it's nice00:02:17
everybody's back inside all that [ __ ]00:02:20
i don't know i had a good i'd like to go00:02:22
i had a nice time00:02:24
i live in new york so i left i went back00:02:26
to my parents house because i have white00:02:28
privilege00:02:29
[Music]00:02:31
some people didn't get to leave the city00:02:33
i did00:02:34
because of my privilege00:02:37
and i used it00:02:40
you got to use it00:02:42
you know what i mean does it feel more00:02:43
disrespectful to waste it00:02:47
you know what then we're all just being00:02:48
racist for nothing00:02:52
[Music]00:02:56
but no it's good i went home00:02:58
my parents haven't lived with them in00:03:00
over 10 years they got old they're old00:03:02
as [ __ ] they've milked though i'm back00:03:05
on milk00:03:06
been [ __ ] crushing milk lately i got00:03:09
[ __ ] milk fat this year00:03:11
it's a weird time in life to have a milk00:03:13
renaissance00:03:15
it's00:03:16
33. it was nice i think my favorite part00:03:19
of the year was i i got to watch my dad00:03:22
watch the news00:03:25
it's a rough year00:03:27
for my dad and the news00:03:30
he's a fox news guy00:03:32
don't do that it's fine00:03:35
also i see you guys most of you have fox00:03:37
news dads00:03:39
how dare you deny your fathers00:03:43
that's a good dad i don't watch fox but00:03:45
that's a good fox news mom00:03:47
that's fat00:03:48
you don't want fox news mom that's a bad00:03:51
mom00:03:52
she smokes in the house00:03:54
but a fox news dad that's a good [ __ ]00:03:56
dad00:03:57
can you imagine if you had a [ __ ]00:03:58
msnbc dead00:04:01
there's some guy every night at dinner00:04:02
like we need to start focusing on00:04:04
renewable energy it's like00:04:06
it's like ew dude i didn't know dad was00:04:08
gay00:04:12
talking to me about solar panels like a00:04:14
[ __ ] lady00:04:16
he might have her straight as hell dude00:04:18
we [ __ ] hate the environment00:04:21
that's how straight we are00:04:24
all we talk about is eating [ __ ] and00:04:26
fracking00:04:30
we hate nature00:04:32
we go fishing we don't even eat fish do00:04:34
we just catch him and [ __ ]00:04:40
no he's good he likes spot he watches00:04:42
fox00:04:43
he watches it every night like every fox00:04:45
news dead my dad watches fox every night00:04:47
until he can't00:04:49
that's how long they watch00:04:51
they watch every night until they get so00:04:53
angry they have to go to bed00:04:56
my dad will watch for like two hours and00:04:57
then out of nowhere he'll just stand up00:04:58
and be like [ __ ] mr potato heads00:05:00
trans i'm going to bed00:05:04
this world's going to hell00:05:09
he's all about it dude he loves it00:05:11
like every fox news that my dad watches00:05:12
fox with one goal he's just trying to00:05:15
get one fact00:05:17
that's all he's doing he's sitting there00:05:18
he's trying to retain one00:05:20
piece of information that he can then00:05:22
relay to whoever's unlucky enough to00:05:25
enter the living room00:05:27
while he's watching00:05:29
and you think it'd be easy to get one00:05:31
fact but00:05:33
every once in a while there's like a00:05:34
commercial for like a commemorative 91100:05:37
gold coin00:05:39
just [ __ ] wipes their hard drive00:05:42
what was i watching00:05:44
i gotta get one of those i got my hands00:05:46
on those patriotic coins00:05:49
[Laughter]00:05:55
my dad drinks too so he can never00:05:57
he can never get a fact00:05:59
ever00:06:01
he'll come in the living room we'll be00:06:02
he's hammered watching the news00:06:05
every night which is the wildest way to00:06:07
take in00:06:09
world politics like just00:06:11
hammered on a in a recliner like whoa00:06:17
it's like footage of rocket attacks in00:06:19
israel he's like whoa00:06:24
what the hell are they doing over there00:06:33
what's this guy's problem00:06:37
but he can never get a fact like he00:06:39
tries he tries00:06:40
he's he he uses fox news as like a power00:06:43
point for what he's trying to say00:06:45
like everyone like we'll be eating00:06:46
dinner and like hannity will be saying00:06:48
something he's like see that that's what00:06:50
i meant00:06:51
look at that00:06:53
that's me talking00:06:56
i can't say it that good00:06:59
he can never get a fact you'll walk in00:07:01
the living room he's been watching the00:07:02
news for three hours he'll be like all00:07:03
right what's going on in the world he's00:07:05
like00:07:06
do you want to know00:07:09
i'll tell you00:07:12
[ __ ] nancy pelosi is a00:07:15
all [ __ ] all right00:07:17
settle down dude00:07:19
that was the news last that's the news00:07:21
every night from my dad00:07:23
they're just like breaking did you know00:07:24
nancy pelosi is a [ __ ]00:07:29
i had a feeling00:07:32
but he likes everything they say he00:07:34
agrees with he's all in00:07:36
i realize like fox news is basically00:07:38
black church for old white dudes00:07:41
you know i mean like literally00:07:42
everything they say my dad just said say00:07:44
like00:07:48
yes preach tucker00:07:52
every once while he gets hit with the00:07:53
holy spirit while he's watching it00:07:55
the holy ghost visits him he's just like00:07:57
oh lord build a wall00:08:00
can i get a wall00:08:06
he needs a wall00:08:08
my dad needs a wall00:08:11
for a guy who lives in00:08:12
central pennsylvania00:08:15
securing the southern border00:08:18
it's like oddly important to him00:08:21
i don't know what he's worried about00:08:24
like he's going to lose his job00:08:27
you know like some guy from honduras is00:08:29
going to walk the whole way00:08:31
to pennsylvania00:08:34
just slam her resume down on my dad's00:08:36
boss's desk00:08:38
so you're here for the sales position00:08:48
stay quiet00:08:52
also there i was just at the border of00:08:55
arizona and mexico there's a wall00:08:58
i had no idea i got down there i saw the00:09:00
wall i was like holy [ __ ] he built it00:09:02
they were like no it's been here00:09:04
it's been here for like a century00:09:07
you got to tell my dad00:09:09
i'm [ __ ] him up00:09:11
he gets fired up every night it's a00:09:13
crazy way to go to bed every night just00:09:16
[Music]00:09:18
so there's apnea mask on00:09:20
[ __ ] every night you [ __ ] caravan00:09:26
dude you walk in the living room in my00:09:28
house right now my dad he'd hit you like00:09:30
southern borders of mess right00:09:35
it's crazy00:09:38
but i make fun of him for it and then i00:09:40
i do the exact same thing just with my00:09:42
phone00:09:43
every night i just look at my phone00:09:44
until i can i'm like [ __ ] mr potato00:09:48
that's it every day00:09:51
i just get on read opinions from people00:09:54
i know are dumb00:09:55
like in person i know they're dumb i've00:09:57
talked to them00:09:58
i'm still reading their twitter their00:10:00
political opinions00:10:02
it's great and my my twitter is crazy00:10:03
it's it's half00:10:05
where i'm from which is the middle of00:10:06
pennsylvania so it's it's white trash00:10:08
and then half now all now i live in new00:10:11
york00:10:14
so it's crazy like all you know i still00:10:16
have uncles they all just got twitter00:10:18
they're all [ __ ] fired up00:10:20
they're having fun dude they all have00:10:21
like zero followers they just tweet into00:10:23
the void00:10:25
they love it dude they do it for the00:10:26
love of the game like panera was good00:10:28
today00:10:31
this is on to a server that'll outlast00:10:34
civilization00:10:36
and then now all my new friends are00:10:39
literally communists from brooklyn00:10:42
so it's wild dude my social like i'll00:10:44
get on i'll get on twitter and the first00:10:45
tweet i see will be someone from back00:10:47
home that's just like [ __ ] colin00:10:48
kaepernick better stand up00:10:52
like this tweet if you support the00:10:54
police00:10:56
share it if you're not gay00:11:06
and then the next post is just one of my00:11:08
new00:11:09
woke white friends that's just like i'm00:11:10
not racist00:11:12
that's it00:11:13
[Music]00:11:15
every day for the last year just a00:11:16
different white person popping up like00:11:18
look at me00:11:19
look at this article i shared to my00:11:21
instagram story i'm not racist right00:11:24
it's like00:11:25
all right00:11:27
are you sure00:11:30
i don't know if you know this like being00:11:31
racist isn't like a00:11:33
yes or no thing00:11:35
you know i mean00:11:36
it's not like you have it or you don't00:11:38
have it00:11:40
like being racist is more it's like00:11:41
being hungry00:11:43
you know it's like yeah you're not right00:11:45
now00:11:49
you know00:11:51
it's like yeah you're not hungry right00:11:53
now but a cheeseburger could cut you off00:11:56
on the highway00:12:02
you get hungry00:12:03
we're hungry all day00:12:11
[Music]00:12:12
the cheeseburger is jewish in that joke00:12:16
no okay00:12:19
cheeseburgers whatever whatever type of00:12:21
cheeseburger you thought it was00:12:24
in your racist heart00:12:30
[Music]00:12:32
anyway [Music]00:12:34
that's it i just get online read00:12:35
opinions from people00:12:37
the news like other news is kind of like00:12:38
this is the most divided this country00:12:41
has ever been00:12:43
say with the like the red states and the00:12:44
blue states00:12:46
it's like why because we tweet at each00:12:48
other00:12:50
you know we had a war right00:12:52
you know this country had a civil war00:12:54
that was pretty divided00:12:56
like at least nowadays we're00:12:57
communicating with each other back then00:13:00
those guys never they got the news like00:13:01
once a month00:13:03
some guy would come by on a horse and00:13:04
they were like who's talking [ __ ]00:13:07
the guy was like the south is talking00:13:09
[ __ ]00:13:10
[ __ ] that i don't like that00:13:13
give me my gun i'm gonna go down there00:13:16
i'm gonna walk i'm gonna walk down there00:13:18
for a month straight shoot the first00:13:20
[ __ ] guy i see down there00:13:28
the civil war was basically just the00:13:29
north just shooting racism out of the00:13:31
south00:13:33
that's what happened the north was like00:13:34
south [ __ ] chill00:13:37
and the south was like no00:13:40
so a bunch of guys had to walk down00:13:41
there and shoot them a lot and they're00:13:43
like all right00:13:45
we'll let them go00:13:47
or not to be nice to them for a while00:13:51
until we find out they're good at00:13:52
football and then roll tides00:14:01
[Laughter]00:14:03
hey raw damn time00:14:07
i don't like i don't like alabama00:14:08
football00:14:10
i watched i just watched this00:14:11
documentary on alabama football it's00:14:13
great it's about well it's not i don't00:14:15
know i don't know if you should say it's00:14:16
great but00:14:18
it's about it's about album football00:14:19
it's about when they desegregated their00:14:21
football team so up until this point00:14:23
alabama football was just wide00:14:27
all right00:14:29
and everybody down there was pumped on00:14:30
that00:14:31
they would pack the stadium everyone00:14:33
would be like look at all those whites00:14:36
running around catching it00:14:38
hey look i'm not knocking them00:14:40
too hard because i still have a little00:14:42
bit of that in me you know like if a white guy00:14:45
catches the ball on sunday i'm like oh00:14:46
[ __ ] go go go go go go00:14:49
ah they got him00:14:51
they got him00:14:53
it's a tough run a smart run00:14:56
head's up run there00:15:01
but no they took it too far and uh00:15:05
so the documentary focuses on that it00:15:06
focuses on bear bryant bear bryant00:15:08
legendary head coach he was the head00:15:10
coach that brought the first black00:15:12
players onto the team so the whole00:15:14
documentary is like celebrating bear00:15:16
bryant they're like [ __ ] way to go00:15:17
bear you did it what a hero00:15:20
and then you find out it was 197100:15:24
yeah00:15:25
well a little late for high fives on00:15:26
this one fellas00:15:28
holy [ __ ] 7100:15:32
like we had been to the moon00:15:35
there were literally people on the moon00:15:38
before alabama had black eyes in their00:15:40
secondary00:15:42
[Laughter]00:15:44
does anyone understand there were white00:15:46
corners00:15:48
white cornerbacks00:15:50
you understand how preposterous that is00:15:53
some of some of you are too young to00:15:55
have ever even seen a white corner00:15:58
they're extinct they don't exist00:16:01
there there's two left at the san diego00:16:02
zoo00:16:05
they won't reproduce00:16:07
you'll never see a white corner00:16:12
but that's what happened it wasn't like00:16:14
the reason they desegregated the team it00:16:15
was that's what the documentary focuses00:16:17
on which is great because it wasn't like00:16:18
oh hey fellas it's 1971 maybe we should00:16:22
get with the times what happened00:16:24
was alabama scheduled usc southern cal00:16:28
alabama was confident they're like oh00:16:29
white boys00:16:31
will take on anybody and then usc came00:16:34
down to alabama with a bunch of black00:16:36
dudes from l.a just beat the [ __ ] out00:16:38
alabama00:16:39
and then after the game bear bryant gave00:16:41
like a speech and he was like hey y'all00:16:43
come on that was it00:16:45
that's all it took00:16:47
everybody down there was like yeah we00:16:48
get it00:16:50
we'll be less racist00:16:52
if it means we can win00:16:57
what00:16:59
that's what it is00:17:00
like as big as00:17:02
racism is in america football00:17:09
that's true00:17:11
that's true look the goat there's a00:17:13
disney movie remember the titans00:17:15
dedicated to what i just told you the00:17:18
whole point of that dude that was one00:17:19
high school football season00:17:21
remember the titans was like it was00:17:23
eight weeks00:17:25
you know00:17:26
that whole town went from like centuries00:17:28
of like don't let them in our school to00:17:30
just like oh [ __ ] the high school team's00:17:31
4-000:17:34
those are my brothers00:17:37
[Laughter]00:17:44
all right i'll get off the topic00:17:47
the point look the point i'm trying to00:17:48
make00:17:50
the point i'm trying to make is if you00:17:51
want to get rights00:17:52
in america00:17:54
you just gotta put together a good00:17:55
football team00:17:57
you know what i mean00:17:58
like if the transgenders00:18:02
if the transgenders got together and put00:18:04
together just a [ __ ] hard nose00:18:07
run it down your throat ball club00:18:11
the transit just three yards of the00:18:12
cloud dust of transgenders00:18:16
if the trans if the trans community00:18:17
could just somehow upset alabama00:18:22
everybody down there tomorrow would be00:18:23
like those are some tough [ __ ]00:18:25
actually00:18:26
right00:18:30
[Applause]00:18:33
all right we got out of that00:18:37
there's some rough patches in there00:18:38
that's all right00:18:40
well this won't go great either uh00:18:44
[Laughter]00:18:46
you know how like every show and movie00:18:48
now it's like a remake00:18:50
of something they just remake an old00:18:52
thing and just make it like more00:18:53
progressive and just put it out like00:18:56
they remade they remade ocean's 11 like00:18:58
a heist movie00:18:59
with like all gorgeous women00:19:03
that movie should have been 10 minutes00:19:04
long00:19:05
they literally should have got to the00:19:07
casino and just blown the security00:19:09
guards00:19:10
they've all here's the keys to safe take00:19:13
everything00:19:15
i love you00:19:16
you guys you crazy [ __ ] i love you00:19:18
[ __ ] i just00:19:21
that's it00:19:23
that's all they make they either make00:19:24
that or they make like00:19:25
they make slavery movies every year00:19:28
those are for no one00:19:31
i have black friends00:19:33
i was like dude you guys do you guys00:19:34
like these they're like no we thought00:19:35
you got these were for you like no we00:19:38
all hate those stop making them00:19:42
it's uncomfortable00:19:44
civil rights movies are good though i00:19:45
like like uh like judas and the black00:19:47
messiah was sick remember the titans is00:19:50
great hidden figures was the movie about00:19:54
the black ladies at nasa or as my dad00:19:56
likes to call it medea goes to the moon00:20:05
look that was him that said that00:20:08
he said that as soon as he said i was00:20:10
like what did you [ __ ] say00:20:13
you don't talk like00:20:18
that so every movie is just remade is00:20:21
more progress i just think it'd be funny00:20:22
if like00:20:24
the right started remaking00:20:27
you know i mean if they just start like00:20:28
conservatives like there's a new00:20:30
scooby-doo coming out00:20:32
and it'd be funny if like the right00:20:34
remade it00:20:36
it's just like scooby and the gang going00:20:37
around ripping the wigs off of00:20:39
transgender people00:20:41
it's like that's not a woman00:20:46
some guy i would have got away with it00:20:53
we solved the case of the starbucks00:20:54
ghoul00:20:57
[Laughter]00:21:02
has enough time passed that we can can00:21:04
we admit that trump was funny00:21:08
can we finally admit that he was funny00:21:11
well hold on i don't i don't like the00:21:13
tone of that00:21:15
that's not what i'm going for here00:21:18
yeah00:21:20
the great leader00:21:22
he was funny now whether or not that's a00:21:24
great quality00:21:26
for the commander-in-chief00:21:28
that's definitely up for debate but he00:21:30
was funny00:21:31
i saw it00:21:32
[Music]00:21:33
and i lived in new york so the whole00:21:34
time he was in office i would be like00:21:36
you know something would happen i'd show00:21:38
my friends like00:21:39
look at that they'd be like what00:21:42
it's funny okay there's nothing funny00:21:46
about donald trump00:21:49
i don't i don't know during hurricane00:21:51
dorian he was like maybe we should nuke00:21:53
it00:21:54
like that was00:21:56
that was a real suggestion from the00:21:58
president00:21:59
the president said that the president of00:22:01
the united states he was like hey we got00:22:02
a big storm coming you guys want me to00:22:04
blow it up00:22:05
and i was like no what the [ __ ] are you00:22:07
talking about i don't know i [ __ ] around00:22:09
dude00:22:10
that's what i do00:22:14
i don't know now that he's gone00:22:17
i'll never00:22:18
like i'll never watch a debate ever00:22:20
again00:22:22
can you imagine like just a regular00:22:23
debate now00:22:25
after we went like we witnessed the goat00:22:29
undefeated00:22:30
in debates00:22:33
and he never said a fact00:22:37
you know how impressive that is00:22:39
he was funny and he argued like a fifth00:22:41
grader he was unstoppable00:22:43
people tried to hit him with statistics00:22:45
and facts he would just go wrong00:22:48
holy [ __ ] dude how is no one prepared00:22:50
for this00:22:55
go back and watch those debates00:22:57
you forget how how good how electric00:23:00
that [ __ ] was00:23:02
don't tell your friends in austin00:23:03
they'll be mad00:23:05
just get a six-pack toss on a trump00:23:07
highlight video on youtube00:23:09
it's a good night dude00:23:12
why i went back i watched his first00:23:13
debate that's like my favorite one at00:23:15
the time trump was pulling it like less00:23:16
than one percent like he was no one00:23:18
liked him if you guys like him now you00:23:20
did it back then and i know that because00:23:22
my dad i watched my dad my dad at the00:23:24
time he would like any time trump even00:23:26
came on tv my dad was like get this00:23:28
[ __ ] joker00:23:29
get him off the [ __ ] screen00:23:32
and then now my dad's like [ __ ] guys00:23:34
can't go to the capitol00:23:36
he's like00:23:39
guys can't have fun anymore00:23:43
it was because of the debates that's00:23:45
what did it do that's how we got trump00:23:46
these debates00:23:48
and the first one is the best one so00:23:49
it's a republican primary everyone's up00:23:51
on stage and they're all still doing00:23:53
their political [ __ ] so like the first00:23:54
couple guys that talk are like i'm from00:23:56
kentucky and i love education and the00:23:59
crowd's like00:24:00
nice00:24:01
we didn't know what was coming then the00:24:04
next guy's like i'm from georgia and i00:24:05
love religion the crowd's like pretty00:24:08
good this is a good one it was a heated00:24:10
debate00:24:12
and then i finally got to trump's turn00:24:13
to talk and he was just like00:24:16
rand paul is ugly and the whole crowd00:24:18
was like oh00:24:21
we didn't know you could do that in this00:24:22
you can just do that as your thing00:24:26
and rand paul was like all right00:24:27
everybody settle down we're trying to00:24:29
have a debate here and the whole crowd00:24:30
was like shut the [ __ ] up rand paul00:24:33
ugly [ __ ]00:24:40
and we just kept throwing dorks up on00:24:42
stage to make him debate trump00:24:44
it was not fair it was mean for us to00:24:46
have done that to people these guys were00:24:48
in politics their whole lives00:24:50
and they just had to debate a [ __ ]00:24:51
maniac up there00:24:54
who didn't give a [ __ ] dude00:24:56
and i hated00:24:57
he was fun to cheer for him in the00:24:59
debates it was fun to cheer for him in00:25:01
the debates00:25:02
because he dude he was going up against00:25:04
guys that had been in politics for like00:25:05
40 years and then he showed up to the00:25:06
event like oh [ __ ] it what are we00:25:08
talking about00:25:10
he had no clue00:25:12
every week he had no [ __ ] idea00:25:14
there's one debate there's one debate00:25:16
he's like in the middle of it going back00:25:17
and forth about the economy with ted00:25:19
cruz they're literally talking about the00:25:20
economy and in the middle of it he's00:25:21
just like ted's wife ugly as a dog00:25:27
holy [ __ ] dude00:25:31
ted was like i'm from texas you don't00:25:33
talk about a man's family like that00:25:35
you've got a dog wife00:25:40
ted everyone knows00:25:44
[Music]00:25:50
[Music]00:25:51
yeah and a week later ted cruz was on tv00:25:54
like i support donald j he's like00:25:57
you [ __ ]00:26:01
i will say this00:26:03
the one thing that sucked about trump00:26:04
losing was00:26:05
for me was because i just figured out00:26:07
kind of how to do his voice00:26:10
that's kind of a bummer that i just00:26:12
it's not hard to do trump it's very all00:26:14
you have to do that00:26:16
just do that00:26:17
do that a second off from where it00:26:19
should be in the sentence00:26:21
and then all you like00:26:23
you don't have to sound like him all you00:26:24
have to do is like get his cadence down00:26:26
it's very easy all you have to do is00:26:27
like describe something and then say you00:26:29
described it that way00:26:32
that's it it's every time like00:26:35
what a big room this is i walked in here00:26:37
i said wow what a big room00:26:39
that's it00:26:41
every time00:26:46
[Applause]00:26:47
austin00:26:50
a lot of homeless00:26:54
i walked in here i said wow that's a lot00:26:56
of homeless00:26:59
you guys got it you got a lot of00:27:00
homeless you gotta00:27:02
what are you guys doing about it00:27:06
whatever you guys are doing is not00:27:08
working00:27:09
so cheap switch i don't know what to do00:27:11
either00:27:13
but do something00:27:15
a lot of tense00:27:18
[Laughter]00:27:23
why00:27:25
it's been making me laugh thinking about00:27:27
trump like00:27:28
not understanding why people are00:27:30
homeless00:27:32
i walked out i saw him i said why are00:27:34
you00:27:36
living in tents i could never these guys00:27:42
but i will say this about trump i don't00:27:43
want you guys to get i don't want to00:27:44
turn this into a rally00:27:49
i will say this so don't freak out00:27:51
just listen00:27:53
i will i think it's fair to say that of00:27:56
all the presidents we've had i think00:27:58
it's fair to say that trump would have00:27:59
been the funniest one to see get shot00:28:08
you know00:28:10
dude the patriots got fired up on that00:28:13
dude00:28:15
i was having fun at this show00:28:18
no look i didn't even say it would be00:28:20
funny00:28:22
i said funniest00:28:24
it's a huge difference00:28:26
technically there's the funniest00:28:28
of everything00:28:30
there is it doesn't make it funny but00:28:32
there is like think of the worst thing00:28:34
you can think of there's a funniest one00:28:38
i'll go first i'll think of one00:28:41
school shooting00:28:44
none of those are funny00:28:46
zero funny00:28:48
but maybe there was one where like the00:28:50
horse girl in the class like could sense00:28:52
something was coming00:28:55
you know i mean they're like what's00:28:56
wrong and she was like00:29:02
[Applause] [Laughter]00:29:10
but back to what i was saying about00:29:12
if you had what i said was true if you00:29:14
had to rank them00:29:16
from least funny to funniest00:29:18
assassination00:29:21
easy number one00:29:24
really he'd be talking [ __ ] like when it00:29:26
happened00:29:28
he'd be doing like a rally00:29:30
my opponent's gay00:29:33
i walked in i saw him i said wow this00:29:35
guy's gay00:29:38
the shooter would be coming out be like00:29:39
sit down00:29:42
you're gay00:29:45
get hit he'd definitely make a funny00:29:46
noise into the like he'd get hit back00:29:54
you fall funny00:30:02
i will say i did00:30:04
i did write that joke before00:30:06
biden00:30:08
could be added to the rankings00:30:13
i don't think he would be the funniest00:30:14
but the only reason biden might be the00:30:16
funniest00:30:17
is because i think biden's the first00:30:18
president you could punch assassinate00:30:24
you know what i mean00:30:25
just walk right through the metal texas00:30:27
big mr president the [ __ ] are you doing00:30:28
dude00:30:32
it's a body shop00:30:34
[Laughter]00:30:40
i'd add that joke00:30:41
[Music]00:30:42
my dad's00:30:46
he can't be talking about killing00:30:48
presidents00:30:50
what about body music00:30:56
my dad's he's a good00:30:58
good guy he's an alcoholic00:31:01
but he's good he's like a good00:31:02
he's a good alcoholic00:31:04
he's not hurting anybody but everyone's00:31:06
he's always has an excuse while he's00:31:07
drinking that's what's funny about it00:31:09
like he can never just get hammered and00:31:10
be like yeah i got [ __ ] up like it's00:31:12
always00:31:13
like you'll see him on like a monday00:31:14
you'll be like damn it's monday you're00:31:15
getting [ __ ] up he's like it's [ __ ]00:31:17
it's monday night football00:31:19
have a couple of drinks geez00:31:22
you'll see him on like a tuesday you'll00:31:23
be like damn it's tuesday you're getting00:31:25
[ __ ] up he's like it's [ __ ]00:31:26
there's no football00:31:28
[Music]00:31:29
what the hell00:31:31
and my sister does heroin and uh00:31:35
and that one we're like you do need to00:31:37
you know00:31:38
you need to stop doing that00:31:41
which sucks for her because if she00:31:42
played guitar everybody would be like00:31:49
instead she's a hairdresser so00:31:51
it's not as cool00:31:54
relax00:31:56
it's my family00:31:57
it's my family don't worry about it00:32:00
actually based on this00:32:01
crowd i'm sure it's actually a lot of00:32:02
your guys00:32:04
families00:32:06
and that's all right00:32:07
we're allowed to talk about it00:32:10
my sister since she was doing heroin we00:32:12
had to have a intervention for her00:32:15
she lived out in pittsburgh we live in00:32:16
the middle of pennsylvania so we had to00:32:18
trick her to come home00:32:20
you got to trick him00:32:22
i don't know if you know these guys00:32:23
they're not just [ __ ] stopping by00:32:26
they're very busy they're the busiest00:32:28
people they get a bad rap for being lazy00:32:30
because they take a lot of naps00:32:32
but if they're awake they're [ __ ]00:32:35
very busy00:32:36
they're scurrying around dude doing00:32:38
quests00:32:40
that's what they do if you do heroin00:32:42
long enough you run out of money you got00:32:43
to start doing quests00:32:47
you know it's you know it's like a00:32:49
[ __ ] up game of zelda every day00:32:51
you just wake up to a new quest it's00:32:53
like you need to gather coppers00:33:00
gonna find a scrap yard00:33:03
it sounds nice i wish i got quests00:33:06
but eventually the quests get pretty00:33:08
dark00:33:09
scrapyard that's like level one00:33:12
towards the end the quest you need to00:33:14
get titty [ __ ] behind the home depot00:33:16
[Laughter]00:33:25
it's when it's time for a change00:33:29
so we had to come up with a plan to00:33:31
trick her to come home for the00:33:32
intervention the plan we came up with00:33:34
was we told her that we had won tickets00:33:36
to go to six flags00:33:40
and it worked she called back she's00:33:41
already all right i'll be there00:33:44
just got on the first bus00:33:46
it's like a seven hour bus ride00:33:48
there's nothing to them dude00:33:51
no if you take heroin every bus is a00:33:53
bullet train00:33:56
it's a five minute ride tops00:33:59
anyway so the plan was00:34:02
pick my sister up from the bus stop00:34:04
not take her to six flags00:34:07
they could take her to a hotel where00:34:09
we're gonna have an intervention i00:34:10
didn't want to start the intervention00:34:12
with like a lack of trust00:34:13
so i took her to six flags00:34:16
the day of her intervention the more00:34:17
that day she and i went00:34:19
to six flags together00:34:22
and i thought that was a nice gesture but it00:34:24
turns out00:34:25
intervention is supposed to be rock00:34:27
bottom00:34:29
you know what i mean00:34:30
like intervention's supposed to be the00:34:31
worst day of your life00:34:33
not like you're tired from easily the00:34:35
best day00:34:37
humanly i mean she took heroin and rode00:34:39
roller coasters00:34:41
it was dude it was impossible we sat00:34:43
down with you better [ __ ] change your00:34:44
life she's like i'm going back tomorrow00:34:48
[Laughter]00:34:50
and i was with her she was she was00:34:52
[ __ ] up00:34:53
if you know anyone from pittsburgh you00:34:54
know what she was wearing she was00:34:56
wearing a steelers jersey and pajama00:34:58
pants00:34:59
steelers pajama pants she dusted off her00:35:02
finest heinz ward for the occasion00:35:04
[Laughter]00:35:07
so we get in there there's a water park00:35:09
there we didn't know they added that we00:35:11
haven't been there since we were kids we00:35:12
get in there there's one of those water00:35:13
slides it's just like a [ __ ] straight00:35:15
drop like no sides on it no raft just by00:35:18
yourself she looks at it she's like i00:35:20
wanna go up on that one00:35:22
i was like yeah all right yeah [ __ ] it00:35:24
you know00:35:26
i knew she was going to rehab like that00:35:28
night00:35:29
so i was like yeah get this one in00:35:30
you're gonna00:35:32
you're about to have a rough couple00:35:33
months here this is gonna be00:35:35
also i figured they would stop her she00:35:37
was wearing a steelers jersey and pajama00:35:39
pants00:35:40
trying to get on a water slide all they00:35:41
did was make her take her [ __ ] crocs00:35:43
off00:35:45
her yellow crocs00:35:48
so she's climbing up this ladder she00:35:49
gets to the top of this [ __ ] giant00:35:51
water slide00:35:52
you know how like when it's your turn00:35:53
next on a water ride you got to like lay00:35:55
there00:35:56
in that water and like wait to go00:35:59
she she nodded off00:36:02
she took a nap up at the top like a00:36:04
dracula00:36:07
laying in front of some high school00:36:09
lifeguard that's like00:36:11
uh ma'am it's your turn uh00:36:16
he just00:36:17
sent her down due to sleep just00:36:23
flying down this thing dude00:36:25
she there's a ramp at the end she hit00:36:27
her we all got to watch her wake up in00:36:28
air00:36:31
she did the whole [ __ ]00:36:36
you know i don't know how that wasn't00:36:37
[ __ ] rock bottom00:36:40
so you woke up in air00:36:44
anyway don't be sad about it she's good00:36:46
she did go to rehab00:36:48
and that's good yeah she's done she00:36:49
stopped using it she's sober she's all00:36:51
good two years clean yeah yeah yeah it's00:36:53
good00:36:55
she did uh she did get cancer though so00:37:00
and covered00:37:03
cancer and covered00:37:08
[Music]00:37:10
so i'll tell you what this was cool i00:37:12
got i was with her i lit she was at home00:37:15
she went back to my parents because when00:37:16
you have cancer and covered you got to00:37:18
go home00:37:20
you have to go home you can't keep00:37:21
hanging out00:37:24
but no i was with her it was crazy she00:37:26
this year she beat heroin cancer and00:37:28
covet it was it was like living with00:37:30
[ __ ] rocky00:37:32
it was crazy dude every week my whole00:37:33
family was like give up you're never00:37:35
gonna win this she's like00:37:38
just kept winning00:37:41
when she got covered i was like all00:37:42
right you you're definitely dead00:37:44
[Music]00:37:48
i ain't hear no bell this [ __ ]00:37:51
just wailed on it dude00:37:56
yeah she's got a hell of a chin00:37:58
a hell of a chin on my sister and that's00:38:02
what better quality could you ask for00:38:05
in a human00:38:09
anyway00:38:12
damn dudes00:38:15
[ __ ] that music across the street dude00:38:16
that [ __ ] bothers me00:38:19
i'm an old man now turn it down00:38:22
okay now what is that rap00:38:24
turn it off00:38:27
gotta talk about my sister doing heroin00:38:29
over here00:38:33
this has been making me laugh i've been00:38:34
thinking about like the first time uh00:38:37
like uh jesus christ00:38:42
i do comedy a lot and every once in a00:38:43
while you can hear music from another00:38:45
room and it's like damn dude music's so00:38:46
much better00:38:47
[Laughter]00:38:49
every time i hear music i'm like [ __ ]00:38:50
dude that [ __ ] crushes what i do00:38:53
some [ __ ] idiot dressed like cam00:38:55
newton press and play00:38:58
it's so much better than this00:39:00
you guys want to hear about my problems00:39:03
this guy's like take molly finger00:39:05
someone00:39:06
i'm gonna press play you guys do you00:39:12
[ __ ] they're having so much fun over00:39:13
there00:39:16
get out of here you [ __ ] go00:39:18
dance [Music]00:39:20
i knew you wanted to dance00:39:22
that guy wanted to dance all night00:39:30
all right00:39:32
i like my family it's a good family00:39:34
i had to go to my niece's uh00:39:36
7th and 8th grade girls volleyball match00:39:39
recently00:39:42
no i'm kidding i'm kidding dude shut up00:39:45
just relax00:39:47
i don't want to [ __ ] kids00:39:50
but if you ever want to get out of00:39:51
something that's all you have to do like00:39:52
if your friend like do you want to come00:39:53
to our son's t-ball game be like what00:39:55
great are the kids in00:39:58
and then no matter what they say go00:40:02
fourth00:40:03
[Laughter]00:40:06
no i went to this [ __ ] kids00:40:07
volleyball match00:40:09
can we knock it off with volleyball00:40:10
shorts on little kids00:40:13
it's weird00:40:14
it's gross dude just get them gym shorts00:40:19
that's all00:40:21
no dude it's gross because then you know00:40:23
it's just me and the other uncles00:40:26
up in the up in the bleachers00:40:28
kind of making eye contact with each00:40:30
other00:40:34
bro are you seeing this00:40:36
[Laughter]00:40:43
such a funny way to just destroy a show00:40:46
just right at the very end be like00:40:48
aren't kids hot00:40:51
yo give it up for trump aren't kids hot00:40:56
no i am i truly am serious about the gym00:40:59
shorts though it's weird and so i got00:41:01
home from this [ __ ] volleyball match00:41:03
my roommate his girlfriend played00:41:04
college volleyball so i'm very excited00:41:06
to like [ __ ] on volleyball whenever i00:41:07
can00:41:09
so i get in there and i was like yo00:41:10
volleyball is [ __ ] that's a weird00:41:12
culture00:41:13
get them [ __ ] shorts get them gym00:41:15
shorts the shorts they're wearing is00:41:16
gross and she was like no we need those00:41:19
shorts for speed00:41:22
on the court and i was like uh i know00:41:25
that's not true i watched the nba00:41:28
none of you are moving as fast as like a00:41:31
ref00:41:33
and those guys are wearing like slacks00:41:36
dress shoes for some reason00:41:40
she was like no we need those shorts the00:41:42
tight00:41:43
shorts they're essential she compared00:41:45
him to like a helmet in football00:41:47
i was like i know they're not essential00:41:48
because i googled the uh the special00:41:51
olympics volleyball team00:41:55
[Laughter]00:41:57
all of a sudden those shorts weren't so00:41:59
essential for them00:42:02
what's that about [Music]00:42:04
how baggy do you think they're they look00:42:06
like the [ __ ] n1 mixtape out there00:42:11
offensively baggy is how i would00:42:13
describe00:42:14
all of their attires00:42:16
[Laughter]00:42:21
we're all adults we can this we all00:42:23
agree the special olympics is a good00:42:26
it's a good program00:42:27
i just00:42:28
it's great i just feel like the guy who00:42:30
came up with it had to be like a real00:42:32
risk taker00:42:35
you know i mean that's a wild thing to00:42:36
suggest for the first time00:42:39
some guy in a board meeting like i got00:42:41
an idea00:42:44
we should be racing these [ __ ]00:42:48
like what'd you say [ __ ] uh town over00:42:51
said that the fastest ones00:42:54
say we settle it you know00:43:00
i'm not making fun of the olympians00:43:02
the concept is wild00:43:04
it's a while like if your best friend00:43:06
invented the special olympics and told00:43:07
you about it first you'd be like don't00:43:09
ever tell anybody00:43:10
that [ __ ] were you going to tell that to00:43:13
what are you doing00:43:18
polvo00:43:20
[Laughter]00:43:25
i actually personally i actually00:43:27
volunteered and coached with the special00:43:29
olympics for a little while so you know00:43:31
what you guys do00:43:34
no don't clap00:43:36
please00:43:37
i did it for those kids00:43:44
[Applause]00:43:49
i look like this so00:43:52
me coaching the special olympics i was00:43:54
like a [ __ ] double agent00:43:57
no one knew whose side i was on dude00:44:00
player chaperone no one knew00:44:04
i'd be standing there coaching holding a00:44:06
clipboard with five dudes that looked00:44:07
exactly like me00:44:10
i always see the coaches from the other00:44:11
team looking over like00:44:13
i think they got i think they're [ __ ]00:44:14
letting one of them coach00:44:20
yeah00:44:21
no i did coach this special olympics for00:44:23
a little while and it's fun that's00:44:24
another thing you're allowed to talk00:44:25
about it's happy00:44:27
everyone there's sportsmanship it's it00:44:28
is funny00:44:30
don't let anyone tell you it's not funny00:44:32
dude00:44:33
i was there00:44:34
[Music]00:44:35
everyone there is laughing it's fun00:44:37
i coach basketball kids would catch the00:44:39
ball just [ __ ]00:44:40
just [ __ ]00:44:41
launch it into the bleachers00:44:43
people be like what the [ __ ] you doing00:44:45
out there00:44:50
my whole team ruled everybody every dude00:44:52
on my team was they were the funniest00:44:54
they [ __ ] they were bros00:44:56
they're bros dude00:44:58
my whole team loved two things00:45:00
they love tits00:45:03
they do i don't know if you know these00:45:04
guys dude they [ __ ] love the ladies00:45:07
they love the ladies00:45:08
and they love john cena00:45:11
that's it00:45:13
that was the news every day00:45:15
we'd be in the huddle there'd be like a00:45:16
lot of ladies here tonight it was like00:45:19
yeah00:45:20
they'd be like what do you think john00:45:22
cena is up to00:45:25
oh you're gonna have to get way worse00:45:27
before you meet him00:45:29
[Applause]00:45:35
see it just here's like the angel of00:45:36
death for those guys00:45:40
i told my guys i was like you see seen00:45:42
it coming you get the [ __ ] out of there00:45:48
he's taking souls with him00:45:49
[Laughter]00:45:58
every year00:45:59
hooters would sponsor our one basketball00:46:01
tournament00:46:04
all right so every year hooters00:46:06
would bring like three or four00:46:07
waitresses and they would present like a00:46:10
big cardboard check donation to the00:46:11
special olympics00:46:13
as soon as the girls entered the gym00:46:16
the game changed00:46:18
entirely dude it went from like hugs and00:46:20
sportsmanship to just like dudes got00:46:21
competitive like very competitive00:46:25
[ __ ] ripping down rebounds just00:46:28
hitting layups00:46:29
[Music]00:46:34
and then at the end of the game there'd00:46:35
be a hug line00:46:37
you know00:46:39
between the waitresses and the players00:46:43
and yeah that went about exactly00:46:45
exactly how you would imagine that went00:46:48
we to break out the [ __ ] jaws of life00:46:50
dude00:46:51
my boys my boys are ragged on those00:46:53
young [ __ ]00:46:59
and i'm not knocking the the players00:47:01
they were totally in the right the girls00:47:03
were hot the waitresses00:47:05
like every year i would sneak into the00:47:07
hog line myself00:47:13
all right i think i'm going to get out00:47:14
of here guys thank you guys very much00:47:17
this is a lot of fun thank you00:47:22
[Applause]00:47:28
[Music]00:47:42
so00:47:45
[Music]00:47:48
[Applause]00:47:51
[Music]00:47:59
[Applause]00:48:02
[Music]00:48:04
youDescription:
Shane Gillis’ debut special recorded live at The Creek and The Cave in Austin, TX.
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